Commitment Issues

Its funny the things in life we chose to commit to, and those we refuse to, or are afraid to. So, what does commitment mean exactly? It is the state of being bound emotionally or intellectually to a course of action or to another person/persons.

Its also funny that the things we want most in life are also usually the things we become afraid of, and afraid to make decisions about, for fear of making the wrong choices. (Well, i do anyway).

In my last post i mentioned about my dream to become an obstetrician, to do this, i have to be 120% commited, to that extent i am. it is probably the only thing in my life that i allow myself to be commited to, but does that mean i am not fearful of everything crumbling to the seas and end up being a bunnings employee for the rest of my life. Of course not! Everyday is an emotionally exhausting battle internally for me, which is also a slow process of self destruction in a way, because i dont allow myself to take a minute and 'breathe'.

But anywho, what i am more afraid of is commiting to people. I crave for affection, and somebody to be close to, and who can be a constant in my life. (NOT NECESSARILY A MALE! not a female either!) just a friend, just one will do. Not that i dont have friends, cos i do, But what i want is just one person to be my person to go to. At the moment i have about 10 people i go to for different things, which sucks because there is no consistency, and having a perfectionist personality, i need consistency. Only problem is i don't allow myself to get past a certain point of closeness. I don't know why i do this, maybe because i got rid of the one person who was constant in my life for 4 years and got over it without really getting over it and built up a mental block. Whatever the reason why i do it, i need to get over it.

I have recently come to realise that i have commitment issues, as recent as TODAY, even though i have always subconsciously known this, as i have always hated people making plans with me (because more than likely i have already organised my time and how to spend it, and i don't like it when this is disrupted) i know i sound like a hopeless case. Anyway if this is the case that ive already organised my time, i will start to feel anxious and have a whole trainwreck of thoughts going on in my head a zillion miles an hour, without u realising before i eventually make up an excuse why i cant. Or if ur lucky and i really like u, i will say yes and deal with the guilt i feel after. On the other hand, i love spending time with friends, but i feel alot less stressed if i have been the one to organise it. Half the time i do it to people who i do like, and people who are my friends, or who i could be great friends with, so don't take it personally!

Another problem is im very judgemental, of others and more so of myself. and i do this constantly without noticing, and before i have a chance to become close to someone ive already picked out all the reasons why i shouldnt allow myself to be close to them, before even giving them a chance.

I have also combined the two aspects together and realised, that i dont want a distraction (as much as i do want a distraction) because i am so fearfully commited to studying, and i dont want to settle for something less, and i dont want someone to interfere with my dream, which requires a shitload of dedication and motivation and time and hard work and everything else under the sun.

Thats enough for now as i have to get back to my essay.

Before i go, here is a quote. " Unless a commitment is made, there are only promises and hopes, but no plans". So for now i live on in hope.

H.

Hope.

If there is anything that i believe in more than anything in this world, it is Hope. Hope with a big fat capital H.

I once came across this quote by Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr, who said this to a group of medical graduates at Harvard University in 1858.

It goes like this.............

You can never be too cautious in your prognosis, in the view of the great uncertainty of the course of any disease not long watched, and the many unexpected turns it may take.
i think i am not the first to utter the following caution: "Beware how you take away hope from any human being". Nothing is clearer than that the mercciful creator intends to blind most people as they pass down into the dark valley. without very good reasons, temportal or spiritual, we should not interfere with his kind arrangements. it is the height of cruelty and the extreme or impertinence to tell your patient he must die, except you are sure that he wishes to know it, or that there is some particular cause for his knowing it. i should be especially unwilling to tell a child that it could not recover; if the theologians think it necessary, let them take the responsibility. God leads it by the hand to the edge of the precipice in happy unconsciouness and i would not open its eyes to what he wisely conceals.

To take hope away from someone, even if they are not on their deathbed, is something i don't want to be responsible for. I have high hopes for myself, and high expectations which make me work hard. One day, even though that day may be very far away, i hope to become an obstetrition. i know that its going to be a long and difficult road ahead, with im sure many unexpected obstacles on the way, but if someone were to tell me flat out that im not smart enough, or i dont have what it takes, i know that i would have that little thing inside of me that keeps me focused and keeps me going, taken away from me, and i would probably give up.

Even if someone hopes for something ridiculous or what you think is unachievable, doesn't make it false hope. as far as im confused there is nothing false about hope.

H.